Why I Neglected My Faith and Church and Why I Can't Wait to Return
My faith has always been a core element of who I am and how I walk each day. When life begins to feel heavy, I know I can off load my backpack of worry on to God and He’ll carry it for me. Although, I make it more complicated and complex at times, because it can be challenging to give it over when He isn’t physically standing in front of me telling me to unpack it.
Over the last year, before this quarantine shifted our lives in a complete 180, things were already filled with layers of uncertainty and insecurity. Vision for our entrepreneur journey did not pan out the way we had hoped, leaving us disappointed, empty in our pockets, and starting over. Coupled with already creeping anxiety and worry, around the same timeframe, my Dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and that’s where everything shifted.
I was constantly reaching for some sliver of clarity and peace with all of the internal turmoil, but was finding no relief. After 9 months of trying our hand at a single income and our business stagnant, Scott began working again and that included weekends, so on Sundays, I packed up the girls and we went to church just the three of us. I sat alone, crying through worship, walking out to the foyer to catch my breath, clean up my face, and walk back to service with heavy feet like they were pulling up through sludge. My fear was louder than ever. Fear of losing my Dad, fear or losing whatever we had built, fear of letting others see me emotionally torn. There was no getting away with “I’m okay”.... because I clearly was not.
I just stopped caring
Have you ever had so much built up in your heart and mind that you just stopped caring about things that you normally were passionate about? Like, you become too tired emotionally to put energy into it? That’s exactly where I stood. Numb and unresponsive. I was embarrassed to let anyone see the heaviness I was carrying around in my heart.
I walked through the doors of our church and the joy I normally felt was replaced with a cold and somber spirit. I slipped past friends and tucked into a seat far in the back. Once again, I broke down during worship. This time, as I tried to escape, a friend walked directly towards me and embraced me, and I let it all out. I told her everything as the room erupted in worship and the lights were low enough for me to barely catch her eyes looking back at me, filled like mine. She held me tight and prayed. But I couldn’t get over the pride that gripped my heart. Why did I spill all that personal and private junk on her? What will she think of me? Why can’t I just pull it together?
I was relieved, but angry. I was feeling brave for showing my wounds, but very tired and weak. That day is where I let my fear and pride shipwreck my faith. I neglected it and quit nurturing it and was exhausted by the idea of returning and being gripped again by my emotions in front of others. There was too much, my head was swimming, THIS was spiritual warfare. I was not prepared.
Hiding was easy, but I felt hollow and disconnected. Everything I knew about how to navigate my internal storm wasn’t coming naturally or fluid. My motions were robotic. I was just looking to get through each day so the next would come, and the next, and the next, and eventually something would change or we could just get this roller coaster ride over with already. And each Sunday would pass with my heart pulling, but my feet still in the sludge, keeping me grounded at home, in my “safe space” without explaining myself to anyone or giving in to the emotion, or going to war with myself and the false belief of judgement.
I was pushing through to the best of my ability, with little energy, little emotion, and little faith. You could say I was hanging on by a thread. Nonetheless, I was still hanging on somehow.
Out of hiding
The funny thing about God is the way He makes himself present when you’re not expecting it. Sometimes, it’s subtle like the shape of a cloud in the spring sky that draws your heart to Him, or song lyrics that pours over you in comfort. Sometimes, He stops you in your tracks and just simply says “I’m still here”.
Today, what feels like day 963 of our nation wide quarantine, I’m sitting in a different space and frame of mind. God gripped me and shook me recently while I sat in meditation with the sun setting over our home and over yet another day where I wished it would just be over and move on. Suddenly, I was consumed with so much peace of mind and stillness. And there it was….. His voice, wrapping around me like a blanket. Just the two of us, discussing where I’ve been.
Where have I been?
I’m honestly still not sure where, but when I look back at the past year, HE most certainly was always there. He was in everything.
He gave my Dad more time here with us after massive surgery to remove the cancer and although it was the hardest thing I’ve ever witnessed, I didn’t lose hope in his healing and in the care of his doctors and nurses. Cancer is devastating, but I have never been so close to my family because of it.
He laid out a plan for my husband, Scott. Through months discouragement, and the hardest I’ve ever seen him work - determined to rise above it, there was a place for him that turned out to be an incredible, fulfilling opportunity. Scott showed me what patience and perseverance truly looks like. I believe that was through the power of Christ showing up for him and for us.
He sat in the passenger seat with me every day as I made my commute to and from work, protecting me, and keeping me safe and keeping me calm as all I wanted to do when alone was let out my hard cries.
He stood with Scott and I, in our kitchen, as we looked over our finances and struggled to understand how we were going to pick up the pieces. Yet, again, He brought miracle after miracle to our home.
All along, He provided. He was faithful through it all, even when I wasn’t.
All along, He stood in the fire with us. Protecting us from the flames and I didn’t even stop my swimming, turbulent mind for a second to realize it.
I’d give anything for that seat in church again
What an incredible gift that day was, when I was wrecked, when I was held by a friend and prayed for, when I thought my fear was bigger than my faith. I thought…..
Turns out, my faith was being stretched. It was expanding and getting bigger and He was coaching me along the way. Showing me just how far my faith could take me.
I’d give anything for that seat in church again. To be consumed by the emotions again. Gratitude pouring out. Tears of thanksgiving resting on my cheeks. TO BE EMBRACED! It is surely missed.
There was no judgement, there was no shame. I had guarded my heart under the assumption that I needed to. I had guarded my story, under the lie that it wasn’t deserving of being told. I had guarded my strength, as if it were all my own.
Let it break thru
If you’re holding on to something that feels too big and too heavy, please remember it’s not too big and heavy for Him. Lay it down, off load the weight, open your sails. Feel the freedom of the battles He’s winning on your behalf. Let the pain and fear and anxiety break thru. He’s got this.
This song has recently stuck with me on a daily basis. The lyrics are what spoke to me that day when it was just He and I. I hope you find comfort and peace in this as well.
Elevation Worship | With You (Paradoxology)
Beneath the surface
Of my anxious imagination
Beckons a calmness
That is found in You alone
It washes over
Every doubt, every imperfection
Jesus, Your presence
Is the comfort of my soul
There's nowhere I'd rather be
When You're singing over me
I just wanna be here with You
I'm lost in Your mystery
I'm found in Your love for me
I just wanna be here with You
Here in the waiting
I won't worry about tomorrow
No need to focus
On the things I can't control
All my attention
On the wonder of this moment
Jesus, your presence
Is the comfort of my soul
There's nowhere I'd rather be
When You're singing over me
I just wanna be here with You
I'm lost in Your mystery
I'm found in Your love for me
I just wanna be here with You
So let all that I am
Be consumed with who You are
All the glory of Your presence
What more could I ask for?
So let all that I am
Be consumed with who You are
All the glory of Your presence
What more could I ask for?
So let all that I am
Be consumed with who You are
All the glory of Your presence
What more could I ask for?
There's nowhere I'd rather be
When You're singing over me
I just wanna be here with You
I'm lost in Your mystery
I'm found in Your love for me
I just wanna be here with You